Monday, November 21, 2011

I choose to follow Him!

So, let me first start out by saying that when you read my blog you will see that I will probably not put my commas in the right place.  My grammer will be lacking and more than likely there will be more than one run-on sentence per blog (or as Kyle just said "per paragraph").  However, what you will see is my heart poured out onto these pages.  This isn't something I just decided to do because I'm bored.  I've been praying about starting this blog for a little while now and feel strongly that God is leading me to do so.  So, here it goes!

Some of you may know that before our youngest daughter Ava was born Kyle and I decided God was calling us to adopt a baby.  However, after one meeting with an adoption agency I found out I was pregnant.  For a long time I questioned whether or not that calling to adopt was from God.  Why would He call us to adoption only for us to find out we were going to have another biological child???  To do this day I still don't have a complete understanding.  Ava was born in 2007, and for the last four years I still felt God leading our family down the road to adoption.  Through much prayer and consideration Kyle and I have decided to start the adoption process.  We have so many questions and fears, but we know that if God is leading us to this He will most certainly lead us through this. 

I wish I could say that I was obedient from the beginning but that is so not true.  I fought God on this from day one.  I questioned our abilities to raise three kids let alone four.  Would we have enough money? Would we have enough time to devote to four kids? You wouldn't believe some of the things I made up in my mind as to why our family would never be good enough to do this.  And let me tell you, the devil has been right here the whole time making sure I am doing a good job at doubting myself.  I've been doubting my capabilities as a mom and a wife.  Do I yell at my kids too much?  Do I spend enough time with them?  Do Kyle and I have a strong enough marriage to with stand this?  I could go on and on, but none of that matters because of what I do know.  I know that God will provide! 

I truly want to know and do His will.  I know there will be moments when I have to let go of the fear of what that might mean.  I'm trusting that God is calling our family to start this adoption process, whether or not this journey will end with a child.....I choose to follow HIM!

"When we are at our wits' end for an answer, then the Holy Spirit can give us an answer.  But how can He give us an answer when we are still well supplied with all sorts of answers of our own?" ~Karl Barth~